i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
