Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
