that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
