Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We are all done wearing pants today
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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