True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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