I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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