Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
