The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
