So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
