remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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