i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
