i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
