oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
