my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
