Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
