I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
