WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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