You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
