I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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