The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
