he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
