I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
