Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
