It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
