Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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