i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's shark week go big or go home
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
