Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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