i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
