there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
