HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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