Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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