I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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