I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
