I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
