I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
