i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
