It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
