she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
