I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
