I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
whose parrot is this?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
