do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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