Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
