just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
