well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
