You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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