He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
