These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
