I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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