I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
