I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
