yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
